Now, Weight A Minute

When I was a young lass, perhaps 7 or 8, I was one of only two girls growing up in my neighborhood. The other was Becky, a spunky girl my age. One day, as I was outside with my dad, Becky ran into my yard and said "Hey! Wanna fight?" I looked up at my dad. "Can I?" To which my father, shining paragon of child-rearing, shrugged and said "Well, if she wants to."

So I turned around and clocked her right in the nose as hard as I could.

She ran off crying and bloodied. I don't remember exactly what happened after that; I know that I never got in trouble, and my dad recalls the story with some pride in his heart. And to be perfectly honest, I never felt bad for hitting her. She asked for it. Literally asked for that fight. As far as I could tell, she never held it against me either.

The point of this foray into my childhood was to reveal something very interesting about my personality: I do not pull punches I'm asked for. It's a little incongruous with my overall gentle nature, I know, but the fact remains. If you ask for a fight from me, you'll get one.

Which is the exact reason I normally don't enter competitions with friends. No matter how much I love them, I will absolutely do what I can to win(Not in an "after-school special on sportsmanship and cheating" kind of way, more a "play as well as I possibly can with no regard for who needs that win more" kind of way). I don't trash-talk. I just give it my best effort, and take what prizes I can.

But when new friend(Let's call her Dorothy, Dory for short) Dory proposed a weight loss contest over the span of a month, it didn't sit right with me. I couldn't tell you why. Maybe because she's vastly smaller than I am anyway. Maybe because it's another in what's become an ongoing series of "friendly rivalries"(the first of which is the one she thinks we have over the muse; little does she know that it's not friendly or a rivalry). Maybe it's just that my weight is such a hot-button issue for me anyway.

Whatever my unease, my natural reaction was still "Absolutely." Because I know, deep inside, that I'm going to win. I know more about my body than she does; I know how fast it takes me to lose ten pounds one way, or five pounds another. I work best in three day cycles. Monos work well, intermittent fasting doesn't. This is a language I am fluent in(to which one might reply "But why don't you lose more weight then?" To which I would say "Because it is exhausting and I cycle from caring immensely to not caring at all which keeps me stable in the numbers department, but don't be fuckin' rude and let me get on with my blog post").

Long story made slightly less long, we weighed in yesterday. There was an outlining of the rules and a mutual "Oh wow, you don't look like you weigh that much at all", rounded out with a discussion of poundage vs. percentages. We settled on percentages. The loser buys the winner a new outfit(within monetary reason, of course). And now, the game is on.

I discussed this whole matter with Alex when I got home. He brought up the idea that despite all the wonderful things she has going for her, Dory is, at best, an extremely insecure individual. She wants to have a contest of weight loss with someone wayyyyy larger than her, who also happens to be close to the current object of her affections? A little symptomatic.

Unfortunately for her, I don't pull punches when asked for a fight. So I'm going to whip her little butt.

Of course, my coworker just brought me a slice of pizza, so this might be a little harder than I thought.