Humans are simultaneously the most fragile and most resilient species on Earth. Injuries that would kill an animal-a sprained ankle, a cut-are considered minor injuries to us. Colds? Nothing. Headaches? Pah! We can poison our bodies with tobacco and alcohol for years, and our bodies start improving only twenty minutes after we stop. It's fucking incredible. We can beat cancer. Through sheer will to live, we can overcome nearly everything.
We make a much bigger deal out of our symptoms than we need to. Even when we don't take an injury seriously, we don't hesitate to let everyone know. "Hi, how you doing?" "Oh, just have this cold!" Though we aren't suffering, we let everyone know.
Ironically, it's when we're truly suffering that we don't let on. I've never been able to figure out if it's pride, or a desire to not feel like a burden by unloading our issues onto another person.
This is especially true when we're not feeling our best mentally. Some people develop ways to cope-they exercise, write, they take a small vacation. Others haven't developed enough coping mechanisms, or strong enough ones.
I am the second kind.
There is something very wrong. I can't figure out where it came from or what it is, but it's a funk I can't shake. It started out as a bad day here and there, nothing bad enough to even notice. Everyone has bad days, right? But there started to be a string of them. All of a sudden, I can't remember the last time I was happy. I've been ripping the skin of my lips, I've been moody. I'm at work, and I can see that there are three emails in my inbox that I do not even have the strength to answer(I'm usually not here this late anyway, so it's ok-right?) I either can't sleep or sleep too much, I can't focus, I don't want to go places.
And poor him, he's been on the wrong end of everything. I woke up the past few mornings just angry at him for reasons I can't find. This morning, I didn't say a word until I was getting ready to leave. He jumped up and hugged me tightly. I almost broke down crying.
I have to keep it together. He's still not back to work. The bills are on me, and he's worried about enough things. I can't burden him with this(though he confessed last week that he has been worried about me, despite whatever front I can manage to put up). I have to sit behind this desk and keep a straight face, hold it together, and wait for the storm to pass. Even hurricanes don't last forever.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
Self-Reliance
Anyone who knows me well can testify to my issues with relying on other people. I don't like having people pay for my things, I don't like help at work, and I absolutely detest taking my car to the garage if I think I can fix it myself. Doctors? No, no. No thank you.
This outright stubborn behavior probably stems from shitty parents and a lack of money growing up. Though the downsides are plenty, there are certain benefits. I can fix a decent amount of things, from VCR's to computers, gaming systems to engines, and clothes to furniture. I can change the air filters for my building(and often do). These are the skills that make me an excellent stage manager, and have helped me successfully navigate adulthood in my own apartment.
A couple weeks ago, I broke my glass of 10+ years. Though I tried to repair them, my efforts were in vain(Once something is too old, there's not much you can do). I hadn't been to an eye doctor since 5th grade, and I wasn't about to start now. I mean, if I was a rich girl, nanananananananana....
Luckily, years of needed quick nohow has resulted in superior Google skills. Within the hour, I had learned how to measure my eye strength(or lack thereof), and what that meant. I had to then translate that measurement into a perscription.
See, eye strength is measured by how well you can see objects about three feet away. There are websites that will reduce the text size with every click, and give you a number. I got 20/80. That didn't make any sense to me at all. So I tried another approach; I stumbled upon the word "diopter". A diopter is a "unit of the refractive error". Basically, it's the first number on a prescription that tells you how badly you see. It should be a positive number for farsightedness, and a negative one for nearsightedness. These numbers come in .25 increments. A diopter of -1.00 means you can see things a meter away clearly. -2.00 is half a meter. After measuring, I could see things slightly farther than half a meter: -1.75.
Luckily, I don't have any sort of astigmatism, and my eyes are evenly matched and regularly shaped. I only had to worry about that first number. My boy's mother suggested a site for eyeglasses. I wasn't sure if my science had been right, so I got the cheapest pair I could find. It took them about 2 weeks to get there, but boy did I miss driving.
I put them on, and they were perfect. Since this post is unreasonably long, I'll try to sum it up a little more succinctly. If you have insurance or money, and you can go to a doctor, please do. But if you stumble across something you can learn-how to change your own oil is a good start-do it! Remember, if the zombies come, you'll be that much more useful.
This outright stubborn behavior probably stems from shitty parents and a lack of money growing up. Though the downsides are plenty, there are certain benefits. I can fix a decent amount of things, from VCR's to computers, gaming systems to engines, and clothes to furniture. I can change the air filters for my building(and often do). These are the skills that make me an excellent stage manager, and have helped me successfully navigate adulthood in my own apartment.
A couple weeks ago, I broke my glass of 10+ years. Though I tried to repair them, my efforts were in vain(Once something is too old, there's not much you can do). I hadn't been to an eye doctor since 5th grade, and I wasn't about to start now. I mean, if I was a rich girl, nanananananananana....
Luckily, years of needed quick nohow has resulted in superior Google skills. Within the hour, I had learned how to measure my eye strength(or lack thereof), and what that meant. I had to then translate that measurement into a perscription.
See, eye strength is measured by how well you can see objects about three feet away. There are websites that will reduce the text size with every click, and give you a number. I got 20/80. That didn't make any sense to me at all. So I tried another approach; I stumbled upon the word "diopter". A diopter is a "unit of the refractive error". Basically, it's the first number on a prescription that tells you how badly you see. It should be a positive number for farsightedness, and a negative one for nearsightedness. These numbers come in .25 increments. A diopter of -1.00 means you can see things a meter away clearly. -2.00 is half a meter. After measuring, I could see things slightly farther than half a meter: -1.75.
Luckily, I don't have any sort of astigmatism, and my eyes are evenly matched and regularly shaped. I only had to worry about that first number. My boy's mother suggested a site for eyeglasses. I wasn't sure if my science had been right, so I got the cheapest pair I could find. It took them about 2 weeks to get there, but boy did I miss driving.
I put them on, and they were perfect. Since this post is unreasonably long, I'll try to sum it up a little more succinctly. If you have insurance or money, and you can go to a doctor, please do. But if you stumble across something you can learn-how to change your own oil is a good start-do it! Remember, if the zombies come, you'll be that much more useful.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Take Your Trope And Shove It
There's a commercial on Youtube for the newest in an unending series of straight white people falling in love. "Endless Love", I believe.
Now, we're all familiar with the basic recipe for a chick flick. Take one ridiculously cute boy, one pretty girl(while a woman who swears she doesn't need a man is preferred, she can be a "geek", so long as she gets a makeover at some point). Add one dash of unlucky love life. Stir in zest of best friend, then add just a pinch of easily resolved conflict(Martha recommends family issues or a nice "I-love-you-but-im-soooo-popular-that-we-have-to-hide-it"). Top with a sprinkle of cheesy ending and garnish with an epic kiss.
There's nothing wrong with seeing two people fall in love. That's what movies are for. What is wrong is the lack of diversity and originality. Since the 80's, we've been exposed to the same movie over and over and over. The names change, the scenes change, but when you wipe that away we're left with a repetitive framework. But a few years ago, Hollywood had a marvelous idea-instead of having the girl be pretty and popular, let's make her pretty and shy! Look, she's cute and reads classic books! How novel!*
Go fuck yourself. I am so tired of watching the movies treat every bookreading lady like she's a hipster. Readers are not just 5'4" skinny white girls in leggings and sweaters drinking tea. Readers can be short and like Chinese or black and punk rock or gay with an affinity for books about history. Give us some diversity, already!
That goes for the guys, too. While these fine fellows are nice to look at, I can't think of a single girl that wouldn't mind seeing a guy onscreen that at least remotely resembles a normal human being. How about a guy that's muscular, but with acne spots? Someone scrawny but incredibly kind? How about a guy that wears ill-fitting clothes and has a silly looking farmer's tan, but is emotionally repressed?
Give us some diversity. Let people see that not being one of the cookie-cutter movie stars is ok. Tell us that you can find love even if you have bad skin.
*I realized that this was a pun when I was proofreading and I am so, so sorry.
Now, we're all familiar with the basic recipe for a chick flick. Take one ridiculously cute boy, one pretty girl(while a woman who swears she doesn't need a man is preferred, she can be a "geek", so long as she gets a makeover at some point). Add one dash of unlucky love life. Stir in zest of best friend, then add just a pinch of easily resolved conflict(Martha recommends family issues or a nice "I-love-you-but-im-soooo-popular-that-we-have-to-hide-it"). Top with a sprinkle of cheesy ending and garnish with an epic kiss.
There's nothing wrong with seeing two people fall in love. That's what movies are for. What is wrong is the lack of diversity and originality. Since the 80's, we've been exposed to the same movie over and over and over. The names change, the scenes change, but when you wipe that away we're left with a repetitive framework. But a few years ago, Hollywood had a marvelous idea-instead of having the girl be pretty and popular, let's make her pretty and shy! Look, she's cute and reads classic books! How novel!*
Go fuck yourself. I am so tired of watching the movies treat every bookreading lady like she's a hipster. Readers are not just 5'4" skinny white girls in leggings and sweaters drinking tea. Readers can be short and like Chinese or black and punk rock or gay with an affinity for books about history. Give us some diversity, already!
That goes for the guys, too. While these fine fellows are nice to look at, I can't think of a single girl that wouldn't mind seeing a guy onscreen that at least remotely resembles a normal human being. How about a guy that's muscular, but with acne spots? Someone scrawny but incredibly kind? How about a guy that wears ill-fitting clothes and has a silly looking farmer's tan, but is emotionally repressed?
Give us some diversity. Let people see that not being one of the cookie-cutter movie stars is ok. Tell us that you can find love even if you have bad skin.
*I realized that this was a pun when I was proofreading and I am so, so sorry.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Float On
Alright already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
OK don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Don't you worry we'll all float on
All float on
-Modest Mouse, "Float On"
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