But If You Try Sometimes

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
Well you just might find
You get what you need
-The Rolling Stones

I think, given the past few blog entries, that's what I want is pretty clear. I want him, I want my job to be full time, and I want to be conventionally attractive. But you know what? Even without these things, I've got what I need.

My job pays my bills, with a little play money left over. It's satisfying, too; I get to help people pretty often. The people I work with are delightful(for the most part).

I'm not ass-ugly. The kind of beauty I'm interested in can be earned. I don't have any weird growths, I'm reasonably proportionate. I can't tan, but hey, pale is in.

And him? He seeks me out, spends time with me, looks out for me. We went kayaking the other day. He brought me water and sunscreen. He literally gave me the shoes off of his feet when mine broke. He checks on me. He comes to my plays. And soon, he'll be with me for my big trip. He's coming with me to the place where my heart lives.

Maybe it's an entirely platonic thing and this is just what it's like to have a very close friend(though I've had those before, and I'm gonna say it was never quite like this). And right now, I'm not concerned on details. Ok, so I'm occasionally overwhelmed with the desire to run my fingers over his tattoo, but I can resist that. As much as I want him closer, he's always as close as I need him to be. Not everyone has that. I should be damned grateful.

Thanks for the reminder, Mr. Jagger.

I is Kind, I is Smart, I is Impo'nt

I don't make it a day to day habit to toot my own horn(I mean, not to a broad audience, anyway). And there is certainly a fair share of horn-tootin' to do. I'm smart as shit. I was reading by 2, and was writing full stories by five(The first one I remember was a dress-up doll book about a fawn that got lost. It was cute.) I tore through the advanced classes in school, until I stopped caring. I've managed to secure a damn good position at a very esteemed college despite having never gone to one myself.

And I'm not just smart. I produced and directed two full length shows on my own. I kept a household running on two minimum wage jobs while I did two plays at a time. I drove for years without a license and never got caught. I've driven through hurricanes, tornadoes, and blizzards. Even now, I manage to hold down an overpriced apartment with me job that really isn't paying me enough, with cash to spare and have fun with. And despite all the bullshit that I've put up with in this life(and trust me, it's been more than what I consider to be my fair share) and I've remained nice.

I is kind, I is smart, I is impo'nt, and I is hard workin', and I is good at things.

But no matter what I do, there are always people(and occasionally myself) shitting on me for what I don't have. There are jobs I'm twice over qualified for, but I don't have a degree. The theatre I work at gives me the crappiest spot in the lineup because I'm not with the in crowd. And I'm drawing rapidly close to a time when I know damn well that people are going to be having conversations that are over my head, because while they went to a nice college I was washing dishes and holding my station wagon together with duct tape.

This was mostly a brag and rant all rolled into one, so I don't suppose I have a real point. It's just exhausting that my choices have brought me here; a place where I'm stuck, because I decided not to put myself in debt for the rest of my life.  It doesn't feel fair. It doesn't seem right. But I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles, eh?

For Him, I Pray

I never did imagine God as some bearded old dude sitting atop his heavenly throne, gazing down on us and helping out when we ask really nicely. No, I always pictured him as an all-over sort of element, the thing that fills the spaces between all of the atoms across the galaxy and beyond. So oftentimes when I say "the universe" in a personifying way, I'm also referring to God.*

And in that same vein, I've never grasped prayer as a few pretty words mumbled with bowed heads. A true prayer is a strong feeling that comes from the heart; A cry for help, an inexpressible joy, a marvel at the beauty all around. Prayers that are wordless. Which is not to call worded prayers meaningless; Words can be tools to help us understand ourselves, but God/the universe was already aware of what we had to say before we did.

I do have a point, there is a summary to all this philosophical waxing, I promise.

Following those two thoughts, I've never "prayed" for myself. At least not for help. Could I use some large scale help sometimes? Probably. But I'm pretty well off, all things considered. I've got all that I need in my life to get by. I save my prayers for the things I cannot possibly accomplish alone: Keeping safe the ones I love.

Even with this, I don't pray constantly. I don't need assistance to feed my broke friends, give them a couch to crash on or a listening ear. Humans can pretty much take care of each other when we're willing to try. But there are things I can't do, things out of my reach.

When my sweetest friend, the muse, told me something(in strictest of confidence, so get ready for some prime vaguosity) he's going through, praying was all I could do. Literally, that's all I can do, besides telling him to stay safe. It's frustrating.

So today, my heart is open. My soul is letting out a prayer to watch out for that boy. Guide him, keep him, and make everything work out alright. In the words of a popular 90's kid's movie, "let no bad happen."

And let me know if I can help.



*For the record, my interpretation specifically includes the existence of aliens.