Someone Said It Better

“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.” 
― Richard Siken

No Pain, No Gain, No, Seriously

Exercise is hard.

And water is wet, right?

I don't just mean that it's physically hard, because obviously there's some serious physical effort required. Hard is kind of the goal.

But it's also mentally hard. There's the whole getting-up-and-doing-it thing, of course. Doing something you don't want to do sucks. Then there's the actual exercise. Anyone can do some sit-ups or a couple squats, but when you've got specific long term goals you actually have to think about it. Form is important. A squat, for example, is more than just bending your knees. You have to stick your butt out, put your shoulders back, have your feet just so, and control your movements. It's a lot to think about. Plus there's a whole rigamarole about proper breathing that I never could quite grasp(which is why I don't do yoga; yoga without proper breathing is just useless).

The worst part is the aftermath. Everything hurts. You're tired, you walk funny, and if you're anything like me, you don't feel like you've gotten anything accomplished. It's frustrating, and it certainly doesn't help your mindset the next time you go to exercise.

And results! It takes so long to see results that it causes one to wonder what is even the point. "But Cass", you say, "isn't it worth the long term effort?" Well, sure. There's definitely a payoff eventually. But honestly, when you spend so much time working hard at something only to be miserable about it every time you try to move, who can blame people for giving up?

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. For a second, I was convinced I saw a glimpse of change. The vision faded quickly. Numbers don't lie, there's definitely less of me, but I still can't quite see it. I don't know if there's a loose wire somewhere in my brain or if the glimpse I got was just wishful thinking brought to life. I'm not sure that it actually matters.

I guess if there's any point to this ramble, it's that everything is hard and nothing seems to work, but it's got to be easier than running around hating myself all the time. It would be nice to go to the beach and feel carefree. I'd have a better time, I think, if I didn't have to worry whether or not my soulmate was into fat chicks. I'm gonna keep going, but I'm so tired.

Exercise is hard.