First Contact

With Alex, I made all the moves. I didn't realize it until much later that every date, the first kiss(etc), he move from friends to a relationship- they were ALL me.

And that realization has made me hyper aware of what I do with the muse. I don't want to fall back into the pattern of pushing, of leading the way and hoping he was following. After initiating the last couple of movie nights and setting up a day trip to the aquarium, I had a long chat with myself and decided to draw back(Some would consider this "playing games"; I think with my history it's more like a safety precaution). 

So when he walked into my office Friday and asked me to a movie, I was so relieved. My words are sloppy today, so I'm not doing it justice, but it was the greatest thing in the world. It's not one-sided. He will seek me out to spend time with me. Even if it's just friendship, it's solid and good and healthy in a way not all of my relationships with people are. 

It's a nugget of happiness that I've been holding inside, a coal that keeps my toes warm when the cold winds in life blow. I can't describe what being around him is like. It's the way apple cinnamon smells, or the way the first bite of cold ice cream and warm pie taste together. It's like curling up on the couch to read a good book, and being so warm and cozy that you end up taking an impromptu nap that leaves you feeling refreshed and content.

I'm happy. I'm excited. I can't wait until Friday.

Fortune Teller Said I'd Be Free, and That's the Day You Came to Me

It's no secret that I do my best to remain open to the many strange and wondrous things the universe has to offer. So when I was invited to a rock and mineral show by a friend from work, I jumped on it(sort of. I've learned that if you don't go to stuff, people stop inviting you, so I try to nip that in the bud).

I can't say I'm particularly enthralled by rocks. They're pretty, sure, but I'm not a geological enthusiast. I thought there might be some nice jewelry there, though, so I took a tour around the show. Did you know how expensive rocks can be? Eighty bucks for a particularly nice piece of fool's gold. Jeez. There were some excellent fossils, many of which were well in my price range(I settled for some shark's teeth) and a handful of meteorites(Not as well within my price range, but I held rocks! From! space!!)

And, as I'm sure there are at every rock, gem, and mineral show, there were the new age tables. Chakra pendants, solid stone wands, carvings of various critters and deities. My eye was drawn to a host of fortune-telling pendulums, with a sign giving the easiest fortune-telling instructions basically ever:

Hold the pendulum and ask a question! If it swings in a circle, YES! If it swings back and forth, NO!

I, being someone that does not shy away from divination and the like, picked up a pretty blue pendant. Lapis lazuli, probably. I can't remember what round of questions I asked first, picking up various pendants and seeing if the answers matched. Spoiler alert: they did(I've always thought I'd had a gift of some variety, but that's really an entirely separate conversation than the story I'm telling here).

Because of the emotional roller coaster between myself and Alex lately, I did feel inclined to find that fortune. So I asked, "Will I end up with Alex in the end?"

The pendulum swung back and forth, steadily.

Bummer. So I asked, with a slight hope, "Will I end up with the muse in the end?"

It started swinging in enthusiastic circles.

I asked the questions again with another pendulum, receiving the same answers. I held that inside me until I got home and started unraveling the day for Alex's enjoyment.

"So I found these divination pendulums and I kept asking different ones the same questions. They all gave me the same answers. Weird, right?"
"Yeah. I studied those, once. You'd be surprised how slight, unconscious movements of your hand play into the answers."
"Ok, yeah, but I thought of that and kept my hand super steady."
"Still. The subconscious does things."

So here I am, at a crossroads. Either the power of the universe is giving me an answer that I don't know if I want, or my subconscious is telling me very clearly what I want to happen. Either way, the path ahead seems well and clear. The scary thing is that it reveals much deeper, more significant feelings than I had believed were there.

Or my subconscious is a petty bitch that loves drama. Who knows? Let's go ask a rock.