Chaotic Good

Once upon a time, alignment charts were the popular thing. Were you lawful, upholding the rules only when they were fair(lawful good) or did you toe the line regardless of how unjust the law was(lawful evil)? Or did you, as a chaotic person, make your own set of rules on either end of the good/evil spectrum?

And of course there were plenty of internet quizzes to tell you where you fell(because no one knows you better than a total stranger with twenty spare minutes). As expected, I received the label of "chaotic good", meaning that I won't always use the most legal path to achieve things, but that it will always be in striving for the greater good.

Which brings us to today. I was asked to review three job candidates, to see if any of them would be approved as a driver. Two of them were clean, no problem. But one of them stood out. He'd had his license suspended not once, but twice, for what looked like an unpaid fine. There were no speeding tickets or improper turn signals to be found, nothing that reflected his driving ability at all(it never did say what the fine itself was for, but there's a decent chance it wasn't even related to vehicles at all).

On the surface you see this and you're like "No way, Jose!" But me, being me, decided to do a little extra research. Facebook can be used as a valuable tool on occasion.

The man in question was a locally born and raised black man with a little girl. This painted a far different picture. Instead of someone that wouldn't pay a fine, I considered that perhaps he couldn't. Maybe this job would be the steady income that was desperately needed, and the straightening out of the financial tangle was entirely predicated on his ability to drive.

Let me make something clear: there is a difference between pity and understanding. Pity is giving people something because you feel sorry for them; understanding is knowing that shit is hard and trying to examine other possibilities. Understanding is examining the influences of social climate in the area, especially for people who are not white, on someone's ability to pay a fine. Understanding led me to give all three men the all-clear.

Honestly, my job is not threatened by this act. I don't really have too many people double-checking me. Half of those charges will be off his record in a short amount of time anyway. They might not even hire him, and then it really won't matter. But I saw a chance to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and I was happy to take it. Chaotic good at work.

Day Thirty

The last day of my journal challenge. I can't say that I know myself any better, or that I'm now in the habit of writing every day, but it was certainly fun while it lasted.


One thing you're excited about

I don't feel terribly excited about anything right now, actually. I mostly feel tired and a little achy. But deep down inside, I know I'm always exited for Christmas.

We're only 46 days away, and it doesn't feel like nearly enough time. There's a hosue to decorate and presents to buy, a party to plan and cards to send out, a name to pick off the Adopt-A-Kid tree. But I'll be ready. I know I will. I know I'm ready for all of that peace and good will towards men, that's for damn sure. I need something to jingle my bells, holly my jollies, tinsel my tree. My yearly pick-me-up that keeps me excited for the rest of the year.

And, y'know, the subsequent two weeks off of work ain't bad either.

Day Twenty-Nine

Five weird things that you like

Weird is relative, but I'll give it a try.

1. Reading on the toilet(TMI, I'm sure, but they did say weird)
2. Licorice(though what's really weird is how much everyone hates this incredible candy)
3. Weird people(Not always necessarily as friends or personally; google Vermin Supreme to get a good feel for what I'm talking about)
4. Maps/Old Star Charts(I'm not sure if this is weird, but I've got no real explanation for why I love the aesthetic so much)
5. Naming things(My car has a name, most of my electronics have a name, the weird bug that lived in our old house had a name even)

Day Twenty-Eight

Somewhere you'd like to move to or visit

Everywhere.

My dream is to live out of my car and travel across America, or just travel around the world in general. Of course, that involves a great deal of money, so that dream doesn't look likely to come to fruition. There are ways to do that for slightly less money, like housesitting and different sorts of job, but there are still travel costs involved with that. If I had some sort of online marketable skill it would be an easier life to obtain. Of course, if I could get off my lazy ass and just write something, that in itself could be the key. But that's gonna happen no time soon.

But if I had to pick one place to move and one place to visit: I'd move to Seattle and visit Ireland or Iceland. Seattle has a good rock scene and a lot of colleges(aka lots of places I could find work until I figured out what I really want to do). Ireland is the land of my people, and Iceland is just kickass. They have the highest rate of published authors, and an interesting geology. You can actually go in the volcano that Jules Verne used as a basis for A Journey to the Center of the Earth. I mean, for a lot of money, but still. It's super rad.

Day Twenty-Seven

A quote you try to live by
I freakin' love quotes.

When I was younger, I had a composition book full of quotes, and every time I found a good one I'd throw it in there. At some point I copied the original book into a new composition book and added from there, and the second book I still have. The quote book had words from Tuck Everlasting alongside quotes from Hemingway and Truman(pulled from my math teacher's quote-a-day calendar; he'd always let me have the old ones. I think that was the only math class I ever enjoyed).

As much as I love quotes, I can't say I actually live by any of them. My favorite has always been Henry David Thoreau's "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." That nugget of wisdom has lodged itself pretty firmly in my brain, too. I try to remember that two people looking at the same thing can be seeing very different things. It helps give perspective, I think.

Day Twenty-Six

Things you like and dislike about yourself
Well, I like that I'm a leader, that I'm forgiving, and that I'm willing to entirely invest emotionally in people. I dislike that I'm anxious, self-conscious, and willing to entirely invest emotionally in people.

Triple Dog Dare

I've missed the past couple of days, so here's three day's worth alllll in a row!


Day Twenty-Three
1. A song you cannot stand to listen to
"I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe. It was hugely popular for a long time on the christian radio station my mother kept our car radio glued to. Interestingly enough, the length of it's popularity covered both the period of time where I was having panic attacks because I thought Jesus was going to rapture my mother away, and later when I developed a fear of death. So yeah. Can't stand it.

2. Something that you miss
There are a lot of things, several of which were lost in my move to Chestertown, so I'm just gonna make a list.
-My cute plaid shirt
-My cute black butterfly shirt(it was so comfyyyyyy)
-My Christmas ornaments/white fake Christmas tree(a gift from my brother, who was very rare with the gifts)
-Orion(obvs)
-Cadby Theatre and Cadby the ghost

Day Twenty-Four
1. A song you and your best friend have danced to
There aren't any, actually. We're not much with the dancing to things, and most of the music we listen to together is in the car(where one attempts to dance a little less).

2. Five words/phrases that make you laugh
-"Ha-rumph"
-"GIRL, LOOK HOW FUCKING ORANGE YOU LOOK GIRL"
-"Kelly Clarkson's song Piece by Piece could be about me"
-"My SISTER is in the HOSPITAL"
-Leg so hot
Hot, hot leg
Leg so hot it fry an egg

I refuse to offer explanation for any of these.


Day Twenty-Five(Last day of the song challenge!)
1. A song you could listen to all day without getting tired of
"Rearviewmirrior" by Pearl Jam. Which I know I've used before, but eh. I have put it on repeat before, for long periods of time.

2. Something you're currently worried about
Christmas. I love every part of Christmas, but especially the giving of gifts. I am exceptionally talented at picking out good gifts for people. But this year, I have A.) a slightly slower cash flow than years past, and B.) I don't know what to get for someone. Like, they don't like having a lot of stuff, but I also find gift cards slightly impersonal, and usually try to combine a gift card with something small, but this year... I dunno, man. I'm lost. I mean, I'll definitely figure it out, but damn.

Day Twenty-Two

Good ol' twoty-two.

1. A song that someone as sung to you
Someone very near and dear to me was showing me a few of his songs. I don't know if they're titled at all, but he did sing them to me. So yeah. It was nice :)


2. Your academics
Or my lack thereof?

I did graduate high school, and I took a few college courses. Of course, the first few courses were only so I could be considered a student and use the theatre without renting it and I never did finish the last few because L I F E happened.

Honestly, I've always kind of thought about going back to college in some form. Not necessarily because I want to(I think the whole system is a crock shit, really), but because no one will ever take me seriously without a stupid piece of paper that says I know stuff. There's a multitude of things I am perfectly able to do and do well, but I've got no "proof". Ah, well. C'est la vie.

Day Twenty-One

My little blog challenge is old enough to drink!

1. Your favorite song
I already did say it was "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, but if I had to pick a second it would be "Somewhere Out There" by Our Lady Peace. The opening instrumentals remind me of what the stars sound like.

2.  How you hope your future will be like

Better, basically.

I hope I'll see more, have more stability, and be right in the head. Of course, there are less vague hopes, people that I hope will be in my life one way or another, but that's a given.

Day Twenty

Day twenty! The song challenge, ending at 25, is in the final stretch. The other one, the not-song challenge, is officially two-thirds of the way through.

1. The last song alphabetically in your iPod/iTunes

"1985" by Bowling for Soup. Woohoohoo!

2. Your fears
Wow. I fear the usual things. Y'know, death, pain, and spiders.

I do have a very specific phobia of tornadoes. Interestingly enough, this developed before I had ever seen Twister, and I've never actually seen a tornado in real life. It's a really awkward thing. Of course, every time a tornado watch/warning goes out for anywhere on the eastern shore I get all panicky and start listening to the wind and checking the weather over and over. I have tornado hidey-holes picked out all over Chestertown(the basement of the theatre, my basement, the basement of the local b&b, the basement of our arts center on campus, the women's bathroom at work... All places I know I can access one way or another.)

Phobias, man.

Day Nineteen

1. The first song alphabetically in your iPod/iTunes
"Acoustic #3" by the Goo Goo Dolls. For the record, I'm not sure that Acoustics #1 and #2 actually exist.

2. Five items you lust after
I'm not sure that "lust" is the best choice of word here, but I'll do my best.

1. A job that pays me enough to go on adventures and see doctors
2. Or a winning lottery ticket
3. A top-notch muscle car
4. A nice house
5. A golden retriever puppy

The more I was writing, the more I'm reminded that simple things like stability and the ability to save and make nice purchases(like a car or a golden retriever puppy which can run you as much as a used car)seem so far out of reach for the current generation that we literally crave them. It's a little sad. So, here's five things I deeply desire that didn't used to be considered basic life goals.

1. A winning lottery ticket(yes, again, because there is a difference between financial stability and a few million dollars)
2. The freedom to travel without giving up everything
3. The ability to know what to say all the time
4. That thing some people do where they can just be touched and not flinch
5. Motivation, honestly

Day Eighteen

My journal challenge is now old enough to vote and buy cigarettes .

1. A song you love but rarely listen to

My favorite song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, but I can't remember the last time I listened to the whole thing. You may think "Maybe it's not your favorite, then!" or "You probably overplayed it to death". But dear reader, the answer is actually much simpler(dumber) than that.

In "Iris", there is a long, dramatic guitar solo followed by a climactic cacophony or drums. It's really great. However, large chunks of this instrumentalization are left out of the radio version(probably for length's sake). Frankly, the radio version is an insult to the beauty of the full length version. An abomination. And when I went to illegally download the song to put it on my phone, the radio version is what I got.

So, that's why I don't listen to my favorite song. Because the version I have is shit, and I'm too forgetful to go find another one when I have the chance.


2. A problem that you have had

Houston, I have so many problems.

I don't even know what to pick for this one. I'm sure an entertaining problem would be preferred. There are fun car problems. There's my innate Chandler-ness(I'm awkward and desperate for love! I'm not so good at the advice; can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?").

Or there's the problem I have where I can't say the word "abominable" (or spell it, apparently-Thank you, autocorrect!). I mean, literally. Cannot do it. I sort of can if I sound out each syllable, but then it barely sounds like a word anymore.It's ridiculous.

Day Seventeen

1. A song that makes you want to dance
"I Got You" by Train. It's just so bouncy and fun!

2. Something that you're proud of
Huh. That's an excellent question. I suppose I'm proud of a few things."Dog Sees God" and "The Hairy Ape", my first two shows directing-wise, bring me a particular kind of pride. Not just the doing of the shows(though that, in itself, is worth a large amount of puffed-out-chestedness), but bringing those groups of people together. Most of them are started out as strangers and people on the fringes, and they all ended up as a part of something.

Day Fifteen

Halfway through the longer challenge, awwwww yeah!

1. A song you love singing along to
There are a lot of these. There are car singing songs, and shower songs, and house work songs. But after a conversation this weekend, I'm gonna pick a classic work of art: The Cheeseburger Song by Mr. Lunt(of VeggieTale fame). It's such a silly song, and so fun while being absolutely dramatic at the same time.


2. Your zodiac/horoscope, and if you think it fits your personality
Here's a thing I copied from astrology-zodiac-signs.com:

Strengths: Courageous, determined, confident, enthusiastic, optimistic, honest, passionate
Weaknesses: Impatient, moody, short-tempered, impulsive, aggressive
Aries likes: Comfortable clothes, taking on leadership roles, physical challenges, individual sports
Aries dislikes: Inactivity, delays, work that does not use one's talents

As the first sign in the zodiac, the presence of Aries almost always marks the beginning of something energetic and turbulent.They are continuously looking for dynamic, speed and competition. They are always first in everything - from work to social gatherings. Thanks to its ruling planet Mars, Aries is one of the most active zodiac signs. People born under the Aries sign, are meant to emphasize the search for answers to personal and metaphysical questions. This is the biggest feature of this incarnation.
Aries is a fire sign, just like Leo and Sagittarius. This means that it is in their nature to take action, sometimes before they think about it well. Their fiery ruler affects their excellent organizational skills, so you'll rarely meet an Aries who doesn't like to finish more things at once, often even before the lunch break! The challenges are increased when they are impatient, aggressive and vent anger on others.
Aries rules the head and leads with the head, often literally walking head first, leaning forwards for speed and focus. They are naturally brave and rarely afraid of trial and risk. They possess youthful strength and energy, regardless of age and they perform tasks in record time. By aligning with themselves they could achieve the best results.

I think I really fit that description. Especially the parts about initiating change, liking comfortable clothes, and being moody. And I am always first to things!

Day Sixteen

1. A song that has made you cry
Taking me back to my early highschool days with this one. "Whiskey Lullaby" by Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley. It's a sad song full of alcoholism and suicide. I mean, definitely cry-worthy.




2. Something you always think "what if..." aboutHonestly, there are a lot of things like that. What if I had finished college, what if I had done better in high school, what if I could figure out how to make my talents profitable?

I guess my biggest what if is more of a future tense, though. What if I just ran away? What if I said "fuck it" and moved to Seattle, or San Diego, or New York and started over?

Day Fourteen

1. A song that reminds you of your boyfriend/girlfriend
I'm distinctly lacking in that area, but I can give you something close. "Mockingbird" by Rob Thomas reminds me of the guy I'm currently schpoinking, and "First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes reminds me of the guy I would like to have as a boyfriend.


2. What you wore today
I'm wearing my blue striped shirt with the ruffle at the bottom(very nautical, this shirt) and a nice pair of jeans. I've been wearing jeans to work lately because I'm never actually sure what I'm going to be doing.



This segment isn't as interesting as the usual fare, but I'm still drinking my first coffee so...

Day Thirteen

Ah, lucky number thirteen.

1. A song that reminds you of a former friend

This is gonna be a little out of left field, but "Superfreak" reminds me of my old friend.. Let's find a name... Lea. Yes.

We were in drama club in high school, and during one show she compiled all the songs we loved listening to as a group and made a mix cd. It was a lot of fun. Most of the songs were already generally known to me or have other memories attached, but somehow "Superfreak" is the one from that cd that just reminds me of her.

Not to say she was a superfreak. I mean, she did become a prostitute, but, you know how it goes.

2. Your opinion of your body and how comfortable you are with it

Softly, but with great feeling: no

Which is the answer to all presented questions. My opinion? no Comfortable? no

I find it a bit funny that the bane of my existence is also my literal existence.

Day Twelve

On the twelfth day of blogging, my journal prompts gave to me...

1. The last song you heard
I'm hearing "Rooster" by Alice in Chains right now!

2. Five guys whom you find attractive
Y'know what? It would be so easy to do this and just use celebrities or something, but what fun is that?

1. The guy on the grounds crew at work. He's really quiet, but he's definitely sharp as a tack and funny as hell. He's also one of those guys that can actually pull off his facial hair.

2. The guy who works at the Chinese takeout place in town. He's just so handsome.

3. An old friend of mine from high school. What's strange is that I haven't considered him attractive in a very long time, but he came back to town for a bit and I saw him acting. And like, all of a sudden it's like:













4. There's a guy at the college that works in admissions that just... Whew. And another that works with part of our history center. You know what? There are actually too many hot people at this college for me to list each one individually.

5. Chris Evans(Captain America). Ok, so maybe one celebrity. But he really, really deserves to be here. He's pretty and nice, which is twice as attractive.

Day Eleven

Good ol' onety-one.

1. A song on the soundtrack of your favorite movieMy favorite movie is Treasure Planet. Being a Disney movie, and very much aimed at early teens, there were only two non-orchestral songs on the soundtrack: "I'm Still Here" and "Always Know Where You Are", both performed by Johnny Rzeznik(lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls). I love them both so damn much.


2. Your familyThis is pretty open-ended, so I'm not sure quite what to say. So, let's talk about the time my dad accidentally went to Woodstock!
Dad was working as a bullganger, building water tanks up and down the east coast. He traveled hither and thither, welding things together, with a few days between to drive himself from job to job. Well one day, he was driving around upstate New York when he picked up a couple of hitchhikers headed to a music festival. It hadn't quite started yet; they were still setting up, so he decided to hang around and lend a hand. By the time he got back to his car that day, he was blocked in. And not just "there's a car behind me" blocked in, but a "there's a parking lot behind me" blocked in.

So began my father's three days of peace, love, and music. And a bad acid trip. There was bad acid being passed around at Woodstock(And you might be saying "Well, all acid is bad!" No. Trust me on this. There is good acid, and bad acid, and bad acid makes bad trips. Bad trips are, I've heard, potentially one of the most frightening things that can happen to a person. I'm talking flashbacks, people. It's bad.)

Dad, for a long minute, was under the impression that he'd taken some of this bad acid. He went to the Red Cross tent at the top of the hill overlooking the stage for the night. He didn't go in, but crashed on the ground under the tree. The next morning, he woke up to a primo view of Jimi Hendrix playing the Star Spangled Banner.

Day Ten

Pretend I've come up with something clever to put here involving the number ten.

1. A song from your favorite band"Name"by the Goo Goo Dolls. It's a slow, acousticy song and I love it.

And, you know, a cute boy played it for me, so...


2. Put your music player on shuffle and write down the first ten songs that play
"Automatic Flowers"-Our Lady Peace
"The Deep End"-Crossfade
"No Way Back"-Foo Fighters
"Breathe"-Melissa Ethridge
"Better Man"-Pearl Jam
"Rainbow Connection"-Kermit the Frog
"Shut Your Eyes"-Snow Patrol
"Bleeding Out"-Imagine Dragons
"Welcome to New York"-Taylor Swift
"Stars"-fun.

Day Nine

More like day... fine? I don't know.

1. A song that makes you hopeful
"Could Have Been Me" by the Struts. Not only is it an anthem against the 9-to-5, it's a great sing along song.

2. How important you think education is
SO! FUCKING! IMPORTANT!!!

As we may have noticed from my wayward rant about the educational system, there are few things more important in life than getting a good education. Not just book learnin', either. A well-rounded, hands-on application of knowledge in all areas of life. Health education, knowing our bodies(including our brains! Mental health education is soooooo important!). Life education, like changing a flat or doing our taxes or setting up an account with the electric company or what to do in an emergency.

It's also important to continue to educate ourselves through life, and be open to all the ways that education may happen. You can learn from anyone and anything. It's just a matter of mindframe.

Day Eight

More like Day Great, am I right?

1. A song that reminds you of your first love
Well, this is going to be odd, but "Just the Girl" by the Click Five. Nothing about the song has to do with him, but he really liked it. Come to think of it, it's the only song I know that he liked. Huh.


2. What you ate todayI don't have much past coffee in the mornings, usually. It feels like it sets a weird tone for the rest of the day with my body. But today, with Alex at home nagging me, I added an english muffin to the feast. (I can't complain, it was cinnamon raisin which is basically my favorite variety of english muffin, but still.)

Day Seven

1. A song that reminds you of the past summer
Honestly, I don't have anything that reminds me of this entire summer at all. I'm just not a "song of the summer" person. But if I had to pick one(which I do, because that's how the writing challenge works), it would be Eddie Vedder's cover of "Hurt" by Johnny Cash. Well, technically it belongs to the Nine Inch Nails, but they won't even perform it after Johnny did it so damn well, so whose is it really?

Let me start by saying that "Hurt" is one of those songs that is done to death, but always done well. People that can't do it well don't even attempt it. Eddie Vedder, lead singer of Pearl Jam, does great with every song he tries to do because... Well, because he's Eddie Vedder. And being Eddie Vedder, he's also known for changing song lyrics.

His version of "Hurt" is my favorite because at the very end, instead of singing

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

He sings

I would save myself
I would find a way
Which to me changed the meaning a fair bit. I love it. But none of this has anything to do with why it's my summer song.

As the muse and I headed down for our fantastic day at the beach, Johnny Cash's version of the song started to play. And knowing that Pearl Jam is his favorite band, I mentioned that I had the EV version as well. We listened to it, and surprisingly he favored the Cash version over the Vedder version. It surprised me a bit. But yeah, that's just about the only song I really associate with this summer.



2. Five pet peeves
Huh. Y'know, I'm not terribly peevish, but here goes.

1. When people move my things. This is probably a side effect of my mom taking all my stuff out of my room when I was a kid, but I can't stand for someone to touch my things. I get even more aggravated when someone moves my furniture without me around. Like, no. Leave it where it is.

2. Bad typing. I hide it really well, but I hate when people on say Facebook type poorly. Can't stand it. Is it really so hard to capitalize? Spell out a few of your words? I'm not talking about thorough spelling and punctuation and perfect grammar, those things are difficult and I understand that not everyone has that level of education. Just make an effort. Interestingly enough, this doesn't always apply. Just every once in a while.

3. Giving out my private number for work. Okay, look. I'm not getting benefits or days off for this shit, so the last thing I need is for my personal cell phone number to be given out to parents and faculty members. Public Safety is free to relay messages, but God help me if they give out my number one more time. I just yelled at them again this morning for that crap.

4. Grinding teeth. I hate the sound of teeth hitting each other. This, too, comes and goes. I'm ashamed to say it, but there have been times when I've told Alex to stop eating until I can put on a movie or something to drown out the sounds of his chewing. And seriously, the boy needs a mouth guard or something at night because he just grinds his damn teeth, I don't understand why or how, but jeez...

5. Not telling me. I have a lot of anxieties, and it drives me nuts when someone laughs at something, or starts to tell me something, then decides not to let me in on the thought. Maybe that's not an anxiety thing, maybe it's just a me thing, but it drives me up a wall like nobody's business.

Day Six

Sies! Sechs! Roku!

(Spanish, German, and Japanese for six, if you wondered.)


1. A song that reminds you of a best friend
Ahahahahaha. Well, the song that reminds me of my best friend the very most is "This boy is a Bottom" by Willam, Detox, and Vicky Vox. If you've never heard of them, it's because they are drag queens that do extremely gay parodies of songs. This is a song we listen to and sing along with(and harmonize to) all the time.

For the record, I adore drag queens. They're some of the most compassionate, accepting, and positive people in the entire world.

2. Your views on mainstream music
I'm not one of those godawful music elitists that turn their nose up at anything popular. If that sounds like a disclaimer someone might use directly before sounding like a godawful music elitist that turns their nose up at anything popular, that's because it is!

Mainstream music at this point in time is really hit-or-miss with me. I can enjoy the beats of some of it, but most of it just feels like it lacks heart. I also think the vocal quality of artists has gone down, but not in a "they can't sing" way. More of a "this voice sounds like this voice sounds like this voice" sort of way. They don't stand out, they aren't terribly distinct. There's no Steven Tylers around our mainstream today.

Day Five

And the hits just keep on comin'.

1. A song that is often stuck in your head
"Jeremy" by Pearl Jam is the worst offender right now. I didn't care for it much at first, but it's grown on me. Probably from being stuck in my head so damn much. (And can you tell I've been on a PJ kick?)

It really is an interesting song, born of the early rash of school shootings in the 90's. What I really like about it is that the singer is directly blaming Jeremy's actions on his negligent parents and the kids that bullied him., from back before all the anti-bullying campaigns really started up. That kind of awareness was still cutting edge at the time and not everyone wanted to hear it. Of course, that "fuck you, here's the truth" sort of thing is what Pearl Jam is all about.

2. Five things you want to say to your ex
To all exes in general:
1. You're a dick.

To El Douche:
2. You're a liar and if I ever had to pick one person in my life to kill, it would hands down be you. You're a disgrace to humanity and your bullshit never seems to catch up to you. I really hope bad things happen to you.

To Mister Clingy:
3. I miss your cat, and every great once in a while I kind of wish we could chill. But only ever a great once in a while.

To the most recent one:
4. Dude, seriously?? Wtf???
5. I wish you would recognize the flaws inherent in your ways of thinking. Like, I know you've been severely neglected throughout your entire life, and you think you'd be happy being alone on every level, but I really think that's a deep seated fear talking and you could overcome that... if you admitted to it first.

On further revision of the original question, it was "5. Things you want to say to your ex" and not "Five things..." but my answer is more entertaining, so we'll keep it.

Day Four

But wait, there's more!

1. A song that calms you down
Well damn, I already got to the best answer here, but I've got plenty more where that came from. "Sirens" by Pearl Jam is a pretty good one. "Just Breathe", also from Pearl Jam, is a nice one. "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls. "First Day of My Life" from Bright Eyes. Anything medium-paced and acousticy, really.

2. Bullet your whole day
So far, here's what I've got. It's extra detailed because it's only 11am:

• Woke up
• Said hello to my cat
• Went into Alex's room to wake him up
• Ended up cuddling because hello dysfunctionality
• Got dressed
• Went to 7/11
• 7/11 is the coffee anti-Mecca
• Got crappy coffee, received crappy service
• Got to the office
• Scrolled through Facebook while drinking aforementioned crappy coffee
• Listened to people bitch
• Got scheduled for bi-weekley one-on-one meetings with new boss lady
• Calmed down because almost everyone gets those, so
• Also scheduled for meeting about driver they're mad at but I'm really not
• Unloaded vending machine snacks
• Set up vending machine
• It's so aesthetically pleasing, and calming to do
• The muse came in and told me a good punny joke
• My boss has mostly left me alone, which is always nice
• Now I'm just filling in the time until I go home and work on my gypsy costume

Day Three

And Day Three of the journal a day... thing! For the record, these are written on a daily basis; Getting them posted from my ipad mini is another beast entirely.

1. A song that reminds you of one/both of your parents
An excellent question!

Dad: "Space Oddity(Ground Control to Major Tom)-David Bowie
My dad's name is Tom, and he's a pilot so it mostly works, the vibe is right, all of that.

Mom: "Stand"-Donnie McClurkin
Mom used to play this song over and over and over when I was little. Knowing what I know now, I can see that it gave her strength when she really needed it.

2. A book you love
....Shit.
It's so hard to pick one. Then again, it says "a book you love" and not "the book you love the most", so that helps.

"People of the Book" by Geraldine Brooks is one of the first ones to spring to mind. It follows the story of a Jewish haggadah, the text used for Passover Seder. Haggadahs are usually very simple books. This one, the Sarajevo Haggadah, is an elaborate masterpiece.

Our main character is Hanna, a book conservator hired to restore the haggadah and trace it's origins. With each stain and sample she finds in the book, we're given a story from it's past, moving backward through time until we're finally given the story of it's creation. As we do, we're given a glimpse of the Jewish oppression that we don't hear about; the microagressions, the inquisitions and progroms.

The interesting thing about "People of the Book" is that I had no trouble putting it down for weeks or months at a time. Which isn't to say it wasn't interesting; it was extremely so, but lacked anything that made it a page-turner. It was an excellent read when I didn't want to feel rushed or pressured. Actually, it was my laundromat book for most of the reading, something I could put down when the dryer was finished with no real remorse.

It is a book I'd highly recommend, and I do still have it(if anyone wanted to borrow it).

Day Two

In continuing with the journaling challenge, I present the next two bits.

1. A song that reminds you of your most recent ex.
Hoo boy. It's hard to pick just one. I guess I could narrow it down to three, though.

-With or Without You, U2
Because I can't live with or without him. Which is exactly as pathetic as it sounds.

-Rearviewmirror, Pearl Jam
My liberation jam(haha, get it? Because jam, Pearl Jam... ha). Or at least it would be if I ever properly liberated myself.

-Have You Ever Seen the Rain, Creedence Clearwater Revival
Just one of his favorite songs. No deep meaning on this one.


2. Something you feel strongly about
Strap on your helmets kids, cause we're gonna talk about the educational system!

Back in the early 2000's, President Cowboy launched his infamous initiative "No Child Left Behind". The idea(or so I've been told) was to insure that every public school kid received a decent education. Which in itself was not a terrible goal, but the execution was lacking. The only way they tried to measure this increase in education was through standardized testing, which is never, ever a good measure of education. But enough about the details, let's get to the side effects!

The biggest problem with standardized testing is that it's not really asking you to apply the information you've been learning; it only asks you to answer a question. It's the equivalent of being able to bake a cake, or just being able to list the ingredients.

This system damaged kids on both ends of the spectrum. The ones that were on the lower end, the ones with trouble just memorizing facts, had a difficult time. The tests got simpler and simpler to try and accommodate that. Instead of teachers being able to teach properly, they were spending most of their time on repetition to get those kids up to the standardized test parameters. Most of the coursework of any given class turned into a smaller iteration of what was on the government issued tests.

Then you had the smart kids. There were a few kinds of smart kids in this instance. Kids that were good at repetition but not so much the application of knowledge did well on the tests and got good grades. The ones that were a little smarter than everyone else were able to breeze through the work and spent their spare time reading, or occasionally being put into slightly more challenging classes. Both of these groups went on to college and did reasonably well, but that's where a lot of remedial college classes come in; kids that didn't quite need to learn much more than a set of answers.

Some of the biggest losers of NCLB were the genius kids. And you may be asking "Why? They shouldn't have had any problem at all!" Well, that's the problem. The geniuses can be broken into two groups. There were the geniuses that did the work, got through school with a 4.5 GPA, and went on to any college they wanted. But once there, they ran into a wall; all of a sudden, school was hard. Had these kids been properly challenged at any point in their school careers, they would've kicked some serious ass. But the brain, much like a muscle, doesn't grow unless properly exercised. This first group of geniuses are the ones we see now, getting to college and having mental breakdowns because they've never had to use their intelligence before, they've never been challenged, they used to have confidence in their intellectual abilities but now they just aren't so sure because hey, didn't I used to be good at this?

The there's group two of the geniuses, those kids who could perceive the absolute futility of the educational system as a whole and did just enough to get by until graduation. They didn't see the point of college(crippling debt? No thanks!). I'm part of that group.


At the end of the day, we have a system that almost no one can truly flourish in, despite their level of ability.It's shitty, and I have to see the aftermath every day at my college.

Day One

In an effort to cultivate more actual writing from myself, rather than sporadic blurbs, I'm taking on a Pinterest journal writing challenge. In fact, because I'm an overachiever, I'm taking on TWO!

Also, work is slow and I want to look a little busy before my new boss finds something for me to do.

1. A song that reminds you of your childhood
My dad is a musician, so most songs written before 2001 remind me of my childhood. If I had to pick on that sticks out, it would be "Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins.

When I was thirteen, I had all the usual problems of a new teenager. My crazy churchlady mother had recently stolen custody of me from my pot-smoking Vietnam-vet skydiving father and told me that if I didn't behave I would die before I hit 16, locking me into nigh imprisonment and sending me into a spiral of anger and bitterness that bordered on loathing.

Normal teenage stuff, right?

Highlights from that era include sneaking off to my dad's house while she was at church, having all the stuff taken out of my room, putting soap in my mouth(I had gotten smart and she said she'd wash my mouth out with soap when I got home. I decided that I was going to put that soap in my mouth first, so when she did it I wouldn't react.It worked, and I'm still really good at hiding pain and discomfort.), and generally fighting the good fight against her tyranny. What I usually don't tell people about this period of my life is how often I used to cry.

One night, as I was crying, I started singing very softly to myself.

Everything's gonna be all right
Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye
Everything's gonna be all right
Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye

Ladies and gentlemen, I had no idea where this song came from. I'd been writing songs, as all angsty teenagers do, so maybe I chalked it up to that. Without fail, it soothed me and helped me fall asleep, and always has since.

Fast forward a few years. I'm in my early 20's, somewhere that involved me, my father, and a radio. The song starts playing and dad says "I used to play this for you when you were a baby. Put you right to sleep." That song had lodged itself into my brain to come out right when I needed it the very most.


2. Five ways to win your heart
That's an excellent question. I guess if I had to boil it down:
1. Trying to make my smile(I'm a sucker for dumb jokes, really)
2. Having some issues of your own(I can't handle people with great lives and no mental problems very well; I just can't relate to them)
3. Good hugs(duh)
4. Go places with me(Adventure buddy!)
5. Have some kind of talent/passion(Writing, singing, acting-just something that shows a bit of soul, you know?)

The Truth Hurts

Sometimes, you have to admit when you're licked.

Sunday I started having some tooth pain. With my particular set of choppers, this wasn't unusual. Sometimes they hurt. Sometimes small abscesses form, but usually I can rupture them pretty quick and easy.

But this was not to be one of those times. By Sunday night I was sobbing from the pain, something I have never, ever done in my life. Alex held me tightly and murmured "You've gotta call a dentist, this has gotta stop." And he was right.

Long story short I'm on antibiotics and due to have the offending tooth pulled next week. Because sometimes there's pain you can't hold on through. You have to deal with the problem or it'll never stop hurting. There are times you'll have to just admit that you're beat and get help.

It felt like an important lesson.

Maximum Effort

Recently I've gotten into looking back on my old Facebook posts from years past. Most of them are cringe worthy, and quite a few of them reference people that I'd never speak so highly of now.

I was looking back on this day in years past when I found a status from 2011 that says "Love, thy name is waking-up-at-seven-in-the-damn-morning-and-being-ok-with-this." And for the first time I finally give credit to 21-year-old me for having a bit of wisdom.

Because love, thy name is movie nights and aquariums and late night adventures, yes. Love thy name is hugs and smiles and gifts. But love has many names.

Love, thy name is listening to their pain, their broken hearts over girls that aren't you.

Love, thy name is learning about other pains of the past.

Love, thy name is trusting with your pain as well, letting the walls break down no matter how terrified you may be of what will happen when you do.

Love, thy name is investments of time you make between everything else, money you don't have much of to begin with, hard work that you find the energy for somehow.

Love, thy name is caring, thinking, remembering, being present, waiting, being consistent, holding, trying, falling, flying.

Love, thy name is waking-up-at-seven-in-the-damn-morning-and-being-ok-with-this.

Faltering

Epictetus said "If you wish to be a writer, write."

1800 years later, I say "If you wish to be a writer(like, a paid one), be ready to put yourself in debt for a degree that may or may not be useful, take on every shit job the world throws at you, and possibly eventually publish a novel that may or may not sell depending on how much teenage dystopian fantasy comes out that month."

Ever since I was little, I've written things. The first story I can remember was about a deer that got lost and had to journey back home. It was written on big pieces of poster board, complete with illustrations. Unfortunately, it was lost to the sands of time(my parents could keep locks of my friggin' hair, but not anything I actually wanted as an adult).

Around 6th grade, I took a short story written for an assignment(and praised by my teacher of the time) and turned it into a novel-length piece. My intention was to send it to the Dear America series; obviously, I did not.

A couple years ago an old friend of mine invited me to be part of a website of his. We'd been old RP buddies on Gaia(yeah, that's was the phase of internet I grew up with) and we had complimentary styles. It was fun. It kept me writing. People liked what I put out. It was good.

But now, what have I got to show for all of that? A blog read by one person(and I appreciate her immensely, trust me), and nothing else. I have all the ideas in the world and none of the motivation or gumption. If I force myself to write something, it's stilted and awful. When I am in a good mood, everything flows so naturally that when the mood goes away, I can't quite grasp what I'd been doing at the time.

And even assuming that I could magically get myself to write, what good does that do? There's no real way to get your foot in the door. All the freelance jobs-ghostwriting, ebooks, blog posts-take forever to build up into any sort of portfolio. You know, IF you get the jobs you bid on, IF you have the motivation that day, IF the stars align.

No matter what career path I think I want, I always come back to writing. It's what I do. I'm good, when I get it done. But until I can learn to tap the potential, harness some energy, and get my shit generally together, I'm stuck to writing entertaining blog posts.

Someone Said It Better

“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.” 
― Richard Siken

No Pain, No Gain, No, Seriously

Exercise is hard.

And water is wet, right?

I don't just mean that it's physically hard, because obviously there's some serious physical effort required. Hard is kind of the goal.

But it's also mentally hard. There's the whole getting-up-and-doing-it thing, of course. Doing something you don't want to do sucks. Then there's the actual exercise. Anyone can do some sit-ups or a couple squats, but when you've got specific long term goals you actually have to think about it. Form is important. A squat, for example, is more than just bending your knees. You have to stick your butt out, put your shoulders back, have your feet just so, and control your movements. It's a lot to think about. Plus there's a whole rigamarole about proper breathing that I never could quite grasp(which is why I don't do yoga; yoga without proper breathing is just useless).

The worst part is the aftermath. Everything hurts. You're tired, you walk funny, and if you're anything like me, you don't feel like you've gotten anything accomplished. It's frustrating, and it certainly doesn't help your mindset the next time you go to exercise.

And results! It takes so long to see results that it causes one to wonder what is even the point. "But Cass", you say, "isn't it worth the long term effort?" Well, sure. There's definitely a payoff eventually. But honestly, when you spend so much time working hard at something only to be miserable about it every time you try to move, who can blame people for giving up?

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. For a second, I was convinced I saw a glimpse of change. The vision faded quickly. Numbers don't lie, there's definitely less of me, but I still can't quite see it. I don't know if there's a loose wire somewhere in my brain or if the glimpse I got was just wishful thinking brought to life. I'm not sure that it actually matters.

I guess if there's any point to this ramble, it's that everything is hard and nothing seems to work, but it's got to be easier than running around hating myself all the time. It would be nice to go to the beach and feel carefree. I'd have a better time, I think, if I didn't have to worry whether or not my soulmate was into fat chicks. I'm gonna keep going, but I'm so tired.

Exercise is hard.

But If You Try Sometimes

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
Well you just might find
You get what you need
-The Rolling Stones

I think, given the past few blog entries, that's what I want is pretty clear. I want him, I want my job to be full time, and I want to be conventionally attractive. But you know what? Even without these things, I've got what I need.

My job pays my bills, with a little play money left over. It's satisfying, too; I get to help people pretty often. The people I work with are delightful(for the most part).

I'm not ass-ugly. The kind of beauty I'm interested in can be earned. I don't have any weird growths, I'm reasonably proportionate. I can't tan, but hey, pale is in.

And him? He seeks me out, spends time with me, looks out for me. We went kayaking the other day. He brought me water and sunscreen. He literally gave me the shoes off of his feet when mine broke. He checks on me. He comes to my plays. And soon, he'll be with me for my big trip. He's coming with me to the place where my heart lives.

Maybe it's an entirely platonic thing and this is just what it's like to have a very close friend(though I've had those before, and I'm gonna say it was never quite like this). And right now, I'm not concerned on details. Ok, so I'm occasionally overwhelmed with the desire to run my fingers over his tattoo, but I can resist that. As much as I want him closer, he's always as close as I need him to be. Not everyone has that. I should be damned grateful.

Thanks for the reminder, Mr. Jagger.

I is Kind, I is Smart, I is Impo'nt

I don't make it a day to day habit to toot my own horn(I mean, not to a broad audience, anyway). And there is certainly a fair share of horn-tootin' to do. I'm smart as shit. I was reading by 2, and was writing full stories by five(The first one I remember was a dress-up doll book about a fawn that got lost. It was cute.) I tore through the advanced classes in school, until I stopped caring. I've managed to secure a damn good position at a very esteemed college despite having never gone to one myself.

And I'm not just smart. I produced and directed two full length shows on my own. I kept a household running on two minimum wage jobs while I did two plays at a time. I drove for years without a license and never got caught. I've driven through hurricanes, tornadoes, and blizzards. Even now, I manage to hold down an overpriced apartment with me job that really isn't paying me enough, with cash to spare and have fun with. And despite all the bullshit that I've put up with in this life(and trust me, it's been more than what I consider to be my fair share) and I've remained nice.

I is kind, I is smart, I is impo'nt, and I is hard workin', and I is good at things.

But no matter what I do, there are always people(and occasionally myself) shitting on me for what I don't have. There are jobs I'm twice over qualified for, but I don't have a degree. The theatre I work at gives me the crappiest spot in the lineup because I'm not with the in crowd. And I'm drawing rapidly close to a time when I know damn well that people are going to be having conversations that are over my head, because while they went to a nice college I was washing dishes and holding my station wagon together with duct tape.

This was mostly a brag and rant all rolled into one, so I don't suppose I have a real point. It's just exhausting that my choices have brought me here; a place where I'm stuck, because I decided not to put myself in debt for the rest of my life.  It doesn't feel fair. It doesn't seem right. But I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles, eh?

For Him, I Pray

I never did imagine God as some bearded old dude sitting atop his heavenly throne, gazing down on us and helping out when we ask really nicely. No, I always pictured him as an all-over sort of element, the thing that fills the spaces between all of the atoms across the galaxy and beyond. So oftentimes when I say "the universe" in a personifying way, I'm also referring to God.*

And in that same vein, I've never grasped prayer as a few pretty words mumbled with bowed heads. A true prayer is a strong feeling that comes from the heart; A cry for help, an inexpressible joy, a marvel at the beauty all around. Prayers that are wordless. Which is not to call worded prayers meaningless; Words can be tools to help us understand ourselves, but God/the universe was already aware of what we had to say before we did.

I do have a point, there is a summary to all this philosophical waxing, I promise.

Following those two thoughts, I've never "prayed" for myself. At least not for help. Could I use some large scale help sometimes? Probably. But I'm pretty well off, all things considered. I've got all that I need in my life to get by. I save my prayers for the things I cannot possibly accomplish alone: Keeping safe the ones I love.

Even with this, I don't pray constantly. I don't need assistance to feed my broke friends, give them a couch to crash on or a listening ear. Humans can pretty much take care of each other when we're willing to try. But there are things I can't do, things out of my reach.

When my sweetest friend, the muse, told me something(in strictest of confidence, so get ready for some prime vaguosity) he's going through, praying was all I could do. Literally, that's all I can do, besides telling him to stay safe. It's frustrating.

So today, my heart is open. My soul is letting out a prayer to watch out for that boy. Guide him, keep him, and make everything work out alright. In the words of a popular 90's kid's movie, "let no bad happen."

And let me know if I can help.



*For the record, my interpretation specifically includes the existence of aliens. 

My First Stereo

Recently I added all the CD's in my collection(That's right, I still buy CD's) and put them on my phone. 852 songs later...

One of the older albums in my collection was "What Are You Waiting For" by FM Static. And by older, I mean I got this when I lived with my mother and wasn't allowed to listen to anything they didn't sell in the Christian goods store. The actual disc has survived that long.

FM Static is definitely a high-school band, with songs about being out for the summer and moving on to college. Very juvenile listening, but still a fun punky sound. A few things are still relatable, though, like "My First Stereo". It takes me back to my first stereo...

It was a little thing. I got it in maybe 1998? Blue and black and made by Sony. At the time, it was a marvel of technology. Tape player, CD player, and radio! You could plug it in or run it off of battery! Amazing! I must've gotten it for Christmas.

I used it a bit when I still lived with both parents, blasting music from my bedroom window for everyone to enjoy(I had a mix tape of exactly three songs: "Flood" by Jars of Clay, "Shine" by the Newsboys, and "Hyperactivity by Mark Lowry). It served me well in that capacity.

Then my parents split up, and that radio became my dearest friend. In my mother's house, non-Christian music was banned, but that could never stop me from playing the radio very softly. Eagle 97.7, a station out of Delaware. Every so often they would have replay days when they would play two songs from one band in a row. Those were always my favorites.

Being 12 with no real agency over my belongings, my mother would often borrow it while she worked housepainting and cleaning. That poor little guy got covered in paint, and downright grimy. The antenna got broken at some point there, too.

When mother dearest took all of my stuff from my room(except for my bed), she had the radio at work. When it was returned, it truly became my only solace. I would sit and listen to my music and hope for better times. Of course, being the only thing in my room(and thus sitting on the floor), it became an easy target. During one of our fights, my poor little radio got kicked into the wall and shattered in half.

You would think that was the end, wouldn't you? That it shattered, my heart shattered, and everything was horrible. Not so! The plastic casing was broken, but all the necessary wires were still attached and, more miraculously, it was still working!

I had to be very careful not to move it, but it still worked. As I moved from mom's to dad's, then to another house soon after that, it always kept on trucking. A few well-placed pieces of duct tape in the later years were a great help. Of course with the acquisition of a computer and a new stereo that was still in one piece, he fell out of common use.

It wasn't until moving to Chestertown that I finally bit the bullet and culled him from the material herd. I'd held on to that scrap of plastic and wires as long as I could possibly justify. That stereo was good, and hardworking, and got me through a lot of sad nights. It helped to hear the music and know I wasn't alone; Now, it's good to know that I wasn't alone in needing to hear that music.

Thanks, little Sony boombox. I doubt I'll ever forget you.

Rain, Rain

It has rained all. Fucking. Week.

Everything from heavy rain, to a drizzle, to the gentle pissing rain that gets underneath all of your clothes and soaks into your boots. It's been dreary, to say the least.

My weekend had highs and lows, but Monday brought about a definite clusterfuck. I wasn't in the best mood, and on top of it, I now felt detached from the muse. I thought there may have been a rift that couldn't be repaired. The constantly pouring rain didn't help.

Originally, we had planned a movie night(Civil War!). At the end of the work day, he came to me and said he was a little stressed out, and thought he might have a quiet night at home. Which I didn't mind too much; We're honest with each other about such things. But this isn't the first time recently, and so I was concerned.

After some internal debate I decided to text him. A simple "Are you alright?" He was having some troubles, and when I asked what I could do, he requested chamomile tea. For the record, I made it from the theatre to the store to my house to his house in twenty minutes. I'm impressed with myself, at least.

We sat and had some tea and talked for awhile. Things ranging from the normal to the deep to the silly. An hour or so we drank our tea and chatted, until he mutual feeling of "time to go" descended on the room. I got another good-smelling hug and was on my way.

Both of us have heads that aren't always working quite right. And no matter what happens between us, we'll have to learn to manage it(I, specifically, will have to get used to talking these things out). I think we can manage it. We're gonna be there for each other, even if he's too much in his head, even when I'm scared to reach out, even when it's hard. We'll be there.

As I stepped out of his house, I noticed a patch of blue on the horizon. The rain can't last forever.

Old Love, New Love

A wise man once said that if you fall in love with two people, go with the second; if the first was right for you, your heart wouldn't have found the second(In case anyone was wondering, that wise man was Johnny Depp.)

All respect to Mr. Depp, but I think that's bullshit. The soul has many pieces. Is it so strange to think that different pieces could find different people to attach to?

The old love has proven the test of time. No matter what sort of shenanigans he gets up to, I find myself unable to stop loving him, even with all the worldly advice to the contrary. He is dependable, he is known. Safe.

The new love inspires, delights. With him, I feel like someone really, truly knows me. We're fused somewhere deep and unshakable. He's the first spring day after a long, bitter winter. But this is a love that came on so fast and so strong that I am terrified to lose it or let it go any further.

Choosing between the tried and true or fresh and new is difficult. And painful. And frightening. It's not as clear cut as Mr. Depp would lead you to believe. But in the end, I think my choice is already being formed; the one that makes me feel like I've come home.

First Contact

With Alex, I made all the moves. I didn't realize it until much later that every date, the first kiss(etc), he move from friends to a relationship- they were ALL me.

And that realization has made me hyper aware of what I do with the muse. I don't want to fall back into the pattern of pushing, of leading the way and hoping he was following. After initiating the last couple of movie nights and setting up a day trip to the aquarium, I had a long chat with myself and decided to draw back(Some would consider this "playing games"; I think with my history it's more like a safety precaution). 

So when he walked into my office Friday and asked me to a movie, I was so relieved. My words are sloppy today, so I'm not doing it justice, but it was the greatest thing in the world. It's not one-sided. He will seek me out to spend time with me. Even if it's just friendship, it's solid and good and healthy in a way not all of my relationships with people are. 

It's a nugget of happiness that I've been holding inside, a coal that keeps my toes warm when the cold winds in life blow. I can't describe what being around him is like. It's the way apple cinnamon smells, or the way the first bite of cold ice cream and warm pie taste together. It's like curling up on the couch to read a good book, and being so warm and cozy that you end up taking an impromptu nap that leaves you feeling refreshed and content.

I'm happy. I'm excited. I can't wait until Friday.

Fortune Teller Said I'd Be Free, and That's the Day You Came to Me

It's no secret that I do my best to remain open to the many strange and wondrous things the universe has to offer. So when I was invited to a rock and mineral show by a friend from work, I jumped on it(sort of. I've learned that if you don't go to stuff, people stop inviting you, so I try to nip that in the bud).

I can't say I'm particularly enthralled by rocks. They're pretty, sure, but I'm not a geological enthusiast. I thought there might be some nice jewelry there, though, so I took a tour around the show. Did you know how expensive rocks can be? Eighty bucks for a particularly nice piece of fool's gold. Jeez. There were some excellent fossils, many of which were well in my price range(I settled for some shark's teeth) and a handful of meteorites(Not as well within my price range, but I held rocks! From! space!!)

And, as I'm sure there are at every rock, gem, and mineral show, there were the new age tables. Chakra pendants, solid stone wands, carvings of various critters and deities. My eye was drawn to a host of fortune-telling pendulums, with a sign giving the easiest fortune-telling instructions basically ever:

Hold the pendulum and ask a question! If it swings in a circle, YES! If it swings back and forth, NO!

I, being someone that does not shy away from divination and the like, picked up a pretty blue pendant. Lapis lazuli, probably. I can't remember what round of questions I asked first, picking up various pendants and seeing if the answers matched. Spoiler alert: they did(I've always thought I'd had a gift of some variety, but that's really an entirely separate conversation than the story I'm telling here).

Because of the emotional roller coaster between myself and Alex lately, I did feel inclined to find that fortune. So I asked, "Will I end up with Alex in the end?"

The pendulum swung back and forth, steadily.

Bummer. So I asked, with a slight hope, "Will I end up with the muse in the end?"

It started swinging in enthusiastic circles.

I asked the questions again with another pendulum, receiving the same answers. I held that inside me until I got home and started unraveling the day for Alex's enjoyment.

"So I found these divination pendulums and I kept asking different ones the same questions. They all gave me the same answers. Weird, right?"
"Yeah. I studied those, once. You'd be surprised how slight, unconscious movements of your hand play into the answers."
"Ok, yeah, but I thought of that and kept my hand super steady."
"Still. The subconscious does things."

So here I am, at a crossroads. Either the power of the universe is giving me an answer that I don't know if I want, or my subconscious is telling me very clearly what I want to happen. Either way, the path ahead seems well and clear. The scary thing is that it reveals much deeper, more significant feelings than I had believed were there.

Or my subconscious is a petty bitch that loves drama. Who knows? Let's go ask a rock.