Love-struck Paranoia and Other Things

The most frightening thing about having growing feelings for someone is the fear that someone will know before you're ready for them to know. Be that the person in question, or a mutual friend, or, say, an entire department...

His fellow carpenters have always made jokes in the me and him department, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because we're the younger and newer people in the vicinity; or, you know, because I'm completely transparent in my affections(Does everyone know? Can everyone see? Should I maybe dial it down a bit or stop looking at him entirely?). It's probably just the first one. A coincidence of age and work.

Years of t.v. sitcoms have taught me, though, that there's something to the whole "everyone sees it before you do" thing. But the people in those situations never seem frightened or self-conscious, they never seem to question their own worth; Rachel never once asked herself "But... Why would Ross love me? What good am I?"

Because here I sit, wondering what anyone(especially someone so good) could see in me. I don't know myself. I can't imagine anyone looking at me and going "Hey! Wow! There she is!" And anyway, aren't I a little old to be believing in fairy tales and love stories?

And yet... As I find myself increasingly attached to him, I can't help but wonder if it's mutual. Surely he doesn't tell every stranger some of the things he reveals to me; I know for a fact that I can be honest with him in ways that I can't with anyone else. I even admitted the other day to not knowing what to say(and I am many things, but rarely speechless).

I'm terrified of being discovered before I'm ready, but am I ever going to be ready? Is this thing we have going to grow, or shrink, or level out? And(this is the biggest thing) what am I going to do if that happens?

Maybe someone should just reveal me already, so I can stop being scared.